20 Years and Still Working on It: Lessons From Our Marriage

Last week Krissy and I celebrated 20 years of marriage and 22 years of being together. Which is funny, because technically Krissy and I have been married five times.

Each time our relationship became more legally recognized, we celebrated again.

Our first wedding was in Vermont, where we entered into a civil union. When we moved to Colorado, our relationship wasn't recognized the same way and we became, legally speaking, roommates again. A few years after our move, civil unions became legal in Colorado, so we had another big party and read our vows again in front of people who are actually still part of our everyday lives.

The next year, same-sex marriage became legal in Colorado, and we went to the registrar's office with our amazing little dog Oliver as our best man, followed by dinner with friends and family. Then, when marriage equality became the law across the country, we got to know that our marriage would finally be recognized everywhere.

Our last marriage was a renewal of our vows for our 15-year anniversary in Mexico.

It is amazing how different we are, yet still the same, after all these years.

For our 20th anniversary, we spent a wonderful long weekend at Sun Outdoors Rocky Mountains, an RV resort in Granby, Colorado. I'll talk more about RV resorts in a future post, so look forward to that. In September, we're heading to Hawaii for our actually planned anniversary celebration, but Krissy couldn't give up the chance to celebrate and experience something new on the actual day.

Left-Pocket Mints and Balloons

To remember the day of our first marriage, I gave Krissy some left-pocket mints and balloons on the mailbox.

When Krissy and I were dating, I was working as an environmental educator and always wore cargo pants. This meant that I was the carrier of all the things. One of the things I always had was mints in my left cargo pocket.

As I have changed careers and also how I dress, the mints went away. Krissy has started carrying a fanny pack—I call it her purse just to get a rise out of her—and she has become the carrier of all the things. I thought she needed some left-pocket mints to remind her of where it all started.

The balloons, you ask?

We married in the field behind an old barn in Vermont and had our reception under a huge tent between the field, road, and barn. My mother did not think that would get the attention of the guests and bought balloons to hang on the mailbox to show people where to go.

Krissy was not happy, to say the least.

She replied with, "This is not a fucking 5-year-old's birthday party."

I told her to calm down, accept it, and know that this would not be the last time my mother would annoy the shit out of her.

Just so you know, I was right. They annoy each other often, and it is quite entertaining. They should really make a reality show.

What We've Learned From 20 Years of Marriage

The guy who filled the balloons for our anniversary asked how one can make it that long.

First of all, it does not seem that long. Sometimes it feels like we are just starting, while other times it is hard to believe there was ever a time when we weren't together.

In contemplating how we got here, there are a few things that I can equate it to: two minutes, humor, games, communication, alone time, respect, support, and growth.

After 20 years of marriage, these are the things that have mattered most to us—not because we've mastered any of them, but because we're still working on all of them.

Our "Two Minutes" Rule for Staying Connected

You ask what two minutes is?

This is a Krissy and Anne original.

Whenever Krissy or I feel off, or one of us notices that the other seems off or disconnected, we call "two minutes." No matter what we are doing, we have to stop and snuggle for two minutes.

Usually, we lie in bed and talk things through. Sometimes this helps with whatever problem is at hand, but it always makes us feel more connected and reminds us that we are a team that will work through whatever it is together.

Many anniversaries ago, I commissioned an artist to do a painting of "two minutes." After many emails and visual approvals of the artwork, I looked at it one more time and realized it said 5 minutes.

Oops. My fault!

It is still hanging in our bedroom, and honestly, two minutes often turns into five minutes anyway.

Humor

What were we going to do about that sign after all that work?

Laugh about it, of course.

Humor makes everything more fun and easier to handle. So many things in life cannot be changed, and sometimes we just need to get through them. Seeing the humor in the situation can help with the pain.

I am naturally funny, so I take the lead in this. Krissy might think differently. 😊

One example is when we went to pick up our RV, Lucky. After a flat tire, a thrown tire, getting stuck in Las Vegas, New Mexico, a bus ride that did not make it home, an Uber that left us, and the only snowstorm of the year, we eventually just had to laugh.

Then we moved on and figured it out, because that is what we do.

If you want the whole ridiculous Lucky story, it is in an earlier post.

Games

Games have always made our relationship better.

When we were dating, many of our dates included playing cribbage at the laundromat. Since we dated primarily long distance, this let us get much-needed things done while also hanging out and having fun together.

Games on their own are fun, but they also create conversation, humor, and time together. They stop us from doing all the everyday things and make us concentrate on each other.

And apparently, 20-something years later, we still haven't grown out of it. Games are such a big part of our relationship that they're part of our plan for what we're going to do when we retire early and suddenly spend all our time together.

Communication

I know this next one sounds generic, but it is so true: communication.

We are always working on this one.

We need reminders to put down our phones and focus. We need to remember to check in with each other and truly care about what is going on with the other person.

About five years ago, we went to couples therapy—not because there was a problem, but because we wanted to make sure we were the best couple we could be. We had done family therapy with our son, and it was extremely helpful, so we thought, why not keep going and see what we could get out of it?

Our therapist used the Enneagram. She identified me as a 6, and we already knew Krissy was—and very much still is—an 8. Understanding those two numbers helped us understand how differently our brains work and how to communicate better.

For example, Krissy can come home and say, "Let's go out to eat."

Krissy's brain just thinks: Let's go out to eat.

My brain, on the other hand, has to rearrange all of the meals to make sure nothing goes bad, organize everything I still need to do that night, decide what I can put off or move around, and then I will usually get to yes.

When we discussed this in therapy, Krissy looked surprised and asked me if that was exhausting.

Yes. Yes, it is.

Now we both understand that I just need a second, and Krissy needs to not change her mind again during the wait time.

This is just one example of communication because, after 20 years, it is still such a big topic.

Alone Time

Alone time is something I need more than Krissy, but it is still very important for both of us.

For many years, this happened naturally because we worked opposite schedules. Alone time makes us value the time we have together more.

Since we have started working more of the same schedule, we each take our own solo trip every year. It gives us time to think on our own, be our own person, miss each other a little, and then come back together with new things to talk about.

Sometimes being apart reminds us how much we like being together.

Respect and Support

Respect and support can be two different things, but they can also be one and the same.

We support each other in our endeavors. Whenever one of us wants to try something new, take a new job, or start a new project, we respect what that person wants to do.

That respect and support does not mean blindly agreeing with each other. It can involve hard conversations and challenging the idea. But once we have completely thought it through and made the decision, we are all in together.

If it works, we succeed together. If it fails, we fail together.

Part of support and respect is also trusting that the other person is putting the team above the individual.

One example was when Krissy wanted to step down from an administrative job and go back to the floor at work. It meant there would be a pay cut, but Krissy would also be happier. That was so much more important for her, but also for us.

We have had to lean on these same values throughout our decision to move toward full-time RV life.

Growth

We are not the same people we were 20 years ago because we are growing, both individually and as a couple, almost every day.

If we are not pushing each other to be better, we are not doing our job as a family.

I went back to school twice in the last 15 years and grew so much from those experiences. Krissy was always there by my side cheering me on.

Our biggest growth happened while raising our son. We have changed careers, changed plans, changed dreams, and changed ourselves. Through all of it, we have had to make room for the other person to change too.

We are each other's biggest cheerleaders and also our biggest critics, making sure we are always growing in the right direction.

Twenty years ago, neither of us was the person we are today. I hope that 20 years from now, we will be able to say the same thing.

I know I have missed some amazing bits of wisdom, but I also know we will keep developing and learning more.

Twenty years is not the end. It is just the beginning.

If you have been with your person for a long time, what has helped you make it work? Do you have your own version of "two minutes"? I would love to hear your story.

Here is to forever love,

Anne